A Fear of Survival

The Eye

2009-08-08T05:31:00.002-04:00

Hi all! I have recently edited a poem that I have posted here already, and it was titled "About Time." I have now changed the title to "The Eye," and am posting the new version here. Enjoy!

Sitting on the shore of a beach,
Angels’ eyes winking at me from a vast blue fabric,
I am thinking of different ways to phrase
the fact that remains the same:
I don't love you anymore.
Overwhelming tides of guilt
Rush the calm ocean of relief
As they burst through the dam that time built.
My internal storm is, indeed,
Belied by my stony façade.
After all, I have been the steady shore in this rocky bout
While your capricious airs
Were busy making waves.
Standing firm, I weathered the storms of
infidelity, betrayal, and manipulation
caused by your colliding cold and warm fronts.
And only a wish for a different setting causes
This seemingly sudden, yet steadfast erosion.
How do I explain to the love of my life so far
that just as he might be ready for love,
it is hiding from me?
But honesty has been my most sacred, most debated demand;
Do I not spew my own geyser of truth here?
Can I release the sediments of
time, passion, and hard work
to settle in new surroundings?

I guess so, because pouring from my still hesitant mouth,
begging for release,
are two words; the very ones dreaded for years.
Good bye.

KNOCK, KNOCK

2009-06-06T13:20:00.002-04:00

Love is....."QUOTES"

2009-05-21T11:12:00.002-04:00

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

- Captain Corelli's Mandolin."Love is the beauty of the soul."
--St. Augustine

"A kiss is a lovely trick, designed by nature, to stop words when speech becomes superfluous."
--Ingrid Bergmen

"I love you, not only for what you are, But for what I am when I am with you."
--Roy Croft

ThrowBack #2

2009-05-07T11:55:00.004-04:00

Close yet far

I'm reaching out for a star

Your body calls for me, unintentionally

As if you were meant for me

I'm Climbing mountains, swimming seas

Yet still uou’re the only one for me

If I could, I would

You can’t but you definitely should

How much longer must I wait?

Until the day when we……

Damn boy…..

Oh Baby….

You’re making me high

In A Sentimental Mood

2009-05-06T20:37:00.000-04:00

To: Coltrane and Ellington

The emotions
struggle against the confinement
of thoughts before spoken.
Pre-existing words strangle and
dull the sentiment.
Feelings only pure in my head
that put me into a certain frame of mind,
take me to a certain place in time,
inexplicable by the rigidity of any language.
People want to understand how I’m feeling
and all I can tell them is:
“Listen to the song.”

A Quick Point of Clarification

2009-05-06T20:26:00.000-04:00

Jena 6.
Megan Williams.
Nooses being hung at college campuses across the nation.
Degrade our children,
Our women,
And even our places at institutions of higher learning?
Is it really expected that
The hate that is passed on from one generation to another
Through late-night meetings and
Crosses set on fire
Will intimidate people who built this country
Foundation and all
On their backs,
With their hands,
With their ravaged bodies and broken spirits,
And still lived to tell the tale?

the hospital room

2009-05-06T20:25:00.001-04:00

the feeling of loss hangs in the air,
clings to the sterile, white, walls
and the cheerful and bold window curtains
that fail to distract from the cold frost outside.

my mother is lying on the bed, disheveled,
staring at the curtains,
as though wishing that the life they connote
could replace that just lost within her.

artificial warmth pumps through plastic grey vents
but does not penetrate the cold that has stricken us –
the visitors to this place that has grief pulsating from
the walls
the floor
the ceiling

the chairs are uncomfortable,
but also comforting as the subtly suggest
in their firm, unrelenting way,
that visiting hours must come to an end.
and the relief that that thought brings is immediately
followed by guilt.

as our time does draw to an end,
as was inevitable but still too soon,
my mother sobs at the prospect of being alone.
her fragility frightens me
and when my father stays behind to soothe her ravaged being,
i wonder how many people have uttered the same words
in this room.

Last First Kiss

2009-05-05T13:38:00.002-04:00

Just..Writing...My...Thoughts...

Its my hope...
more like a distance wish
that you are my last first kiss.

Well something to that affect...
cuz every kiss with you is a first..
a first where im completely lost in the moment.

When i think about your kiss..
I smile...
I laugh...cuz its just sooo silly
How something so simple makes me ........giddy...like a child

It just felt right...
More than feeling right,
NOTHING was wrong...

This is why I pray...
that you are my last first kiss.

*unedited...straight from the head...just got a little inspiration from the song*

It Knocks You Down

2009-05-02T01:49:00.005-04:00

Untitled

It's actually unimaginable...
I imagined us being friends,
laughing about inside jokes.
I imagined us being lovers,
so close and so tight.
I imagined us out and about,
but alone in our own world.
I imagined a changed me;
I was changed by you.
I imagined I put a smile on your face
with the silly things
I imagined there was no end,
just continuous ecstasy.
I imagine....
I only imagined the best
But..
It seems that reality may soon be...
Nothing I IMAGINED it to be.

THAT IS...

2009-05-01T00:04:00.002-04:00

You caught me with my guard down
I seriously could have sworn that I was completely closed off
I mean, who wouldn't be after major disappointments
We all go through it
I was done, through, walls up, doors closed...
However, I was looking out the peephole, apparently Just For You!!
I was looking for that smile, that laugh, that sarcasm, that intelligence,
that motivation, that drive, that face, that passion, that kiss, that touch, that hug..

That's You!

And THAT IS...
All that I need....right now!!!

The Most Bittersweet Experience

2009-04-30T22:23:00.000-04:00

The force that we came to be was much too strong;
Began replacing what was rational thought
And that was ok until you decided to relieve your pressure elsewhere
so as not to spontaneously combust.
So.
We decided that the solution to our problems
Would be to
Pull ourselves from the intensity that was
Us.
But I feel your absence;
Your presence has become the normal,
And not the something extra.
The passion that we were
Is expected to diminish until
Our beings can stop being charged
By each other
With a single glance.
So the time
And the space
And the silence
All have their say
And erode the foundation of what turned out to be
The most bittersweet experience.

About Time

2009-04-30T22:13:00.002-04:00

Sitting up late at night,
Thinking of different ways to phrase the fact that remains the same:
I don't love you anymore.
Feelings of profound relief are held at bay by the overwhelming sense of guilt.
After all, I have been the steady shore in this rocky bout,
When you were busy making waves.
Standing firm, I weathered the storms of
infidelity, betrayal, and manipulation
caused by you colliding cold and warm fronts.
Hard to believe that after all of that,
my steadfast erosion is due to the fact that I want something different.
How do I explain to the love of my life so far
that just as he might be ready for love,
it is hiding from me?
But honesty has been my most sacred and most debated demand,
so do I not deliver that here?
Can I turn away from the bank holding my time, energy, and dedication?
I guess so, because dripping from the tip of my tongue,
begging for release,
are two words; the very ones that I have dreaded for years.
Good bye.

Promises

2009-04-29T00:24:00.003-04:00

Promises...

Heavy eyelids betray me

As I try to stay awake

and cling to your every word.

As you pontificate on the wonders of the world

-or so I imagine-

my mind wanders to more important topics, such as

how your lips would feel if they kept moving,

but on me instead.

Shaking off the haze around my brain that has been induced by my proximty to you,

my focus on your words sharpens,

and utterances of your goals, hopes, and dreams drift into my consciousness.

And I can't help but to hear the "we's" and "us's" that litter your speech.

My brain sends a sweet spasm down my spine as those words penetrate my mind;

act as an aphrodisiac to my senses.

As I come down from my high, I realize the necessity and expectation of reciprocation.

Mentally fresh, I share me life intentions with you as well.

The silence that results is out mental cigarette as we process and bask in the euphoria that comes from acknowledging a shared future.

THROWBACK #1 (FEARce Diva)

2009-04-20T13:34:00.002-04:00

*NOTE*

In high school I had the greatest creative writing teacher....she challenged us to do some amazing things...from time to time i'll post some of my stuff from that class....FREE creative expression at its best

*NOTE*

THE-SKY-WAS-BLUE

The sky was blue….but the rain was pouring

The lights were off….yet it was still bright

I was running so fast….and I still couldn’t catch up until…

Knock, Knock….who’s there

It’s me….could it be

After six months, 3 weeks, 8 days, 1 hour and 33, 34, 35, 36 seconds

Reuniting can be so fulfilling…unless you want revenge

Making love so sweet…unless you’re in for the kill

He’s making me so mad…because of the love that I feel

He has me going CRAZY…but why is he still here

I know why he left…but why is he back

Little does he know what is in store

This time I’m the one who’ll go through that door

He’ll be left out there with no where to go…

I was running so fast…and I still couldn’t catch up

The lights were off…yet it was still bright

The sky was dark…but my sun shone that night

UNTITLED

2009-04-14T15:28:00.002-04:00

When smiling just wont do...

I wanna hear your laugh

I love your little smile

As much as you dont like it

Your voice is smooth,

it makes me smile.

But Smiling just wont do

When we get to the place

Where we can't find the words

But our smiles read volumes...

But it just wont do.

I want your kiss...

INSPIRATION

2009-04-13T21:20:00.000-04:00

INSPIRATION was FOUND today

Found in the teary eyes of a tearless man

Inspiration was GIVEN today

Given to a soul that needed awakening

If I get nothing else from you...

I've got this INSPIRATION.

My words will flow again

The ONLY one who has EVER taken them away...

has simultaneously given them life.

I am inspired by you

You inspire me

My INSPIRATION comes from you!

If I only had the words to say....

A Fear of Survival?

2009-04-10T01:27:00.000-04:00

Have you ever actually feared survival? Experienced pain so piercing that you really thought that your next breath was impossible? Or simply pain so bad that you would have rathered, just in that instance, to stop breathing altogether? It is daunting to work with the knowledge that if life continues, pain is inevitable. Yet the vast majority of us make the decision to keep going, despite the fear.

Or maybe you have experienced joy so profound that that emotion nearly took your breath away... Felt a feeling so exquisite that you were afraid of the sheer intensity of the moment? Or maybe your fear is that you have peaked; that no other moment in your life will ever compare to *this* one. But still, through that fear, we push on, seeking an equivalent moment; chasing the thrill.

You may think that life, in its most basic form, is a passive endeavor, but every decision made, even the one to keep living despite your situation, negates that sentiment. The fear of survival could hold us back, but truly, its elusive nature keeps us going. To share your fears, to let someone in, is a scary and vulnerable action, but our hope is that your fear will subside as you experience ours in whatever form we may lay it out here. Contribute, lurk, or take over as you wade through the entropic collection of feelings, thoughts, trials, and triumphs that outline *our* Fear of Survival.